Praying For Conversion
The following (hysterically funny) message was posted to an atheist newsgroup. It "takes the rise" out of Christians who, for whatever mentally imbalanced reason, have decided that atheists are heathens and it is their god-given task to convert them. The posting has been tidied up to aid readability but nothing else has been changed.
And Jesus answering saith unto them, Have Faith in God. For verily I say unto you, That whosoever shall say unto this mountain, be thou removed, and be thou cast into the sea; and shall not doubt in his heart, but shall believe that these things he saith shall come to pass; he shall have whatsoever he saith.
And all things, whatsoever you ask in prayer, believing, you shall receive.
Verily, verily, I say unto you, he that believeth on me, the works that I do shall he do also; and greater works shall he do; because I go unto my Father. And whatever ye shall ask in my name, that I will do, that the Father may be glorified in the son. If ye ask anything in my name, I will do it.
Verily I say unto you, if two of you shall agree on earth as touching any thing that they shall ask, it shall be done for them of my Father which is in heaven. For where two or three are gathered in my name, there I am in the midst of them.
Now Frank, the promises of Jesus are clear and unmistakable. All things you ask in prayer, you shall receive. OK, you get all your Christian buddies in your fave Christian newsgroups and your church, and you and yer personal Christian buddies and by the Power of Jesus, convert me to Christianity. On yer knees, Frank and pray and BELIEVE! All you true believin' Christians out there, ON YER KNEES! Here is the challenge. Think you'll succeed? Jesus promises you that he will deliver miracles even bigger than the ones he worked to those who ask to glorify the Father! How can you miss? Jesus and the Bible and God CANNOT be wrong! Correct? Now, I am not asking you to throw a mountain into the sea, or feed 5,000 with a few fish and loaves, or walk on water, or find your tax money in a fish. Just convert me with prayer to a Christian. You may have as many helpers as you can get in your church to pray for me. You may scour the Internet and get as many Christians in all the Christian newsgroups you can find to help. Since the Bible is never wrong, and Jesus is never wrong, it should be an easy piece of work to convert me, right? OK. Do it. If you cannot, then the Bible and Jesus and God must be wrong. If by the end of June, I have not converted, we must conclude the Bible is wrong, Jesus screwed up, people were putting hopeful words into the mouth of a probably non-existent god. Let the contest begin. See you, July 1st. Now, git down on yer knees and pray up a storm! Pray, Frank, Pray! Believe and pray, Frank! Believe and pray in the name of Jesus!